PHILADELPHIA, PA — Chaos erupted downtown last night as mobs of looters descended upon a local Foot Locker location, carrying off armloads of merchandise through the smashed storefront while completely ignoring the Foot Locker referee blowing his whistle and waving his arms.

"Hey! Hey! Stop it! Foul! Foul!" the employee shouted at the looters. "Violation! — whistle blowing — You there, with the hood! — whistle blowing — You didn't pay for that! Put that down right now! Stop that! Traveling! Traveling!"

Looters continued to overrun the store, swarming around the referee and showing an utter disregard for basic sportsmanship and fair play. "There was absolutely no respect for the authority of the official," said one eyewitness to the looting. "Things definitely started to get out of hand and the official totally lost control of everything. He was going to town on that whistle, but I don't think anyone even really paid any attention to it."

As the situation progressed, the behavior of the looters became even more brazen, with one of them sprinting by the referee before slam-dunking a box of Air Jordans into a trashcan that was used as a makeshift container to carry off stolen goods. "Boo-yah!" the looter shouted before chest-bumping the official and following it up with "In your FACE, ref!"

At publishing time, Foot Locker executives were holding closed-door meetings to discuss other potential options to equip employees to ward off looters in the future, including using red cards or yellow flags to throw as looters storm the store.

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